February 22, 2024
I refuse to believe that I am fat because I simply lack willpower. I have been fat my ENTIRE life – as in from birth. So what, I lacked willpower in the womb? I was raised in the same house with the same parents as my sister and somehow she had willpower and I just didn’t? At age 3?
Unfortunately, I didn’t come to this realization until adulthood. Instead, I felt like a loser who couldn’t control myself when everyone else could. By the way, when I used to sneak downstairs and take boxes of Girl Scout cookies (that I was supposed to be selling) into my room then hide in my closet to eat them, dozens at a time, at the age of eight…that wasn’t because I lacked willpower. No. There’s something different about how that person works.
My parents constantly fought about my weight. People constantly made inappropriate comments. I remember one night in particular when I was probably 13 or 14. My parents were divorced, and my mom spent a lot of nights having a lot of drinks with this man she was kind of seeing and some friends. On this night, my mom, the guy, and another couple were over and all pretty drunk. I was walking by and the other lady came up to me in front of everyone, hugged me then looked at my mom and said, “She’s so cute. She’d even be beautiful if she wasn’t so fat.”
I think her boyfriend replied with a chuckle and a “Come on now…” That one hurt.
I have plenty more stories just like that. I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. And I get that it was a different time. But all of those experiences contributed to the building of my self-esteem, confidence, trust – creating a teenager then young adult then full-fledged adult who lacked all three.
